I've been using plain ol' pen and paper to write out some of my thoughts. I can have conversations with myself that way. I won't share what has already been written. These things don't need to be written twice. I've been caught with the dilemma of needing to bounce ideas off of someone and, at the same time, not wanting to reveal the innermost workings of my mind. So talking to myself has been my solution.
I don't like to share the thoughts that I feel other people may frown upon, laugh at, or completely misunderstand. I'll tell people select items that they may frown upon, but as long as they understand why I think that, it's okay. Or I may share things they don't understand, but as long as they don't laugh or frown at them, I'm okay with that as well. It's mainly just when I believe that some combination of all three reactions may occur that I feel the need to censor myself.
I really hate it when people laugh at me, unless I'm laughing at myself. I'm incredibly sensitive to these sorts of things. If I suspect that someone is laughing at me maliciously at all, I freak out. I clam up, refuse to bring any sort of attention to myself, attempt to escape from the situation as soon as possible, and run. I don't fight back.
I tried that once or twice, fighting back, and it didn't work. I never seem to be able to hurt people as badly as they hurt me. I think it's because I really don't have that killer instinct. I always draw back before I think I may go too far. There have been a few times when my idea of too far hasn't coincided with my victim's idea, but those are the only times I felt like I succeeded in hurting them as much as they'd hurt me. And then I felt awful when I thought about it afterwards.
I also hate it when people say things like, "Just kidding," when they're really not, and we both know it. It's like, "hey, I'm going to stab you in the back, and here's a band-aid to make you think that it was just an accident, and that I didn't really mean it, and that it's not that big of a deal."
Okay, I'm going to stop writing, because now I've remembered all sorts of evil things I've said and that people have said to me, and I don't like the way I'm feeling.