I think I'm afraid of myself. This is something that I've been mulling over for a coupla days now, and it's still not a conclusive thought or opinion, but I think I am; I think I'm afraid of myself.
Tonight's thought is that I'm afraid of what might happen. I'm afraid of my potential. It's really something that I should embrace and look forward to, the future, my future, but I don't. I look at it like something simply inevitable. It's going to happen, and I can't move out of the way. I do make slight movements, I do things to make the future as painless as possible, but that's it.
The decisions I make are primarily influenced by the answers to these questions: Will it hurt? How long will I have to live with the consequences (overtly, that is, I know there's always the "for the rest of my life" answer)? Do I have to do this? Will it hurt? Will it make me feel guilty? How much will it cost (physically, emotionally, spiritually)? Will it hurt (can you tell that I'm a wuss?)?
Yesterday's thought was that I am afraid of who I could be. If I lifted the restraints that I operate under, would I be a different person? Yes. Is that a bad thing? Am I harming myself in some way? I don't know. I guess I've already thought this over, to an extent, but still. It's a thought. And yesterday it wasn't so much "am I passionate?" as it was, "would I be a better or worse person if I 'let myself go'?" I'm afraid of that answer.