Today was a crying day. I cried all day long.
I woke up and got online to check my email, because I've been eagerly anticipating an email from my advisor. Well, no email, but my sister was online. I started IMing her, and we were chatting, and I mentioned that I had sent my boy another email that shouldn't have been sent. I copied a few choice bits to her, and then she proceeded to dump all over my boyfriend and piss all over me.
I don't remember all she said, but it was really the same old thing, "You're wasting your time." However, this time she tried a new twist. This time she claimed that it was time for me to grow up, focus on a career, and quit playing with Barbies (not quite sure where she pulled that from). She said that my boyfriend was bad for me because he didn't motivate me.
I, of course, got defensive, and asked why I would need someone else to motivate and pressure me, when I obviously had plenty of family to do it. We got into the same old fight about how she thinks I shouldn't date someone I don't plan on marrying, yada yada yada. Then I told her that I didn't think I wanted to talk to her anymore. She said, "Fine, we just won't talk about [my boy]."
For some reason, that set me off. So I got all sarcastic and started picking on her boy. I started typing out conversations between the two of them. "You're perfect." "No, you're perfect." "No, you are." "No, you are." "You're so wonderful, and grand, and perfect, and motivated." "I'm so glad I met you, you're my best friend, it was love at first sight." "I never had a doubt that we would be together forever." "You were the only one for me, from the very beginning." "I love you." "I love you." "We're meant for each other because we come from the same background, and have the same values and beliefs, and you would never try to change me." "Oh, I would never want you to compromise yourself. You're so goal oriented. And motivated." "You're motivated." "Well, you're more motivated." "No, you are."
Yeah, I was mean. You might not be able to tell, but those were some points of contention. They're not from the same background, don't have the same beliefs, he tried (successfully) to change her, and he cheated on her. But they're in luuuuuuvvve, so that makes it all good. He's college educated, so obviously he's more worthy than my boyfriend. He's a great big ol' stud that she can parade around in front of daddy.
So then I said I was sorry and that I was just striking out because I felt threatened. I said that I was just tired of the criticism, because when she disapproves of my boyfriend, it's like she disapproves of me, and that I just didn't want to hear it anymore. She said, she'd just try to keep her mouth shut then. Then I logged off.
I spent the next hour crying my eyes out. Loud, raking sobs, as I hid under my covers. I wanted to call my mom, but she wasn't home. I think I just wanted reassurance from her because I've just felt that she's been mad at me for the past month, because she was kinda mad at me before I left for Flagstaff.
Then I slept for almost 4 hours. Then I woke up, cried some more, went to the store for cookies, came home and watched Lloyd, a pretty awful movie. Then I watched i am sam, which made me cry even more.
So then I sat there crying about everything. And I finally called my mom and talked to her for a while. And now I feel a little better. She's still delusional about how long school is going to take me; she thinks I should be able to student teach in the Spring. Yeah, spring of 2004, maybe, not four months from now, not going to happen. She actually said, "Well, talk to them, maybe they'll make an exception, maybe there's something you can do, since you need to get started on your career." For some reason, it just doesn't bother me anymore. She won't listen to me, but that's okay, I'm all cried out, anyway.