So I finally heard from the advisor. After hounding him for a month, he shows his face. Guess what? He knows almost less than I do about what I need to do. I should have known. Here I was pinning all my hopes for stress-free academic decisions on him, and he's working off some outdated piece of paper with expired course numbers.
He tells me to ask the education department, the College of Education tells me to ask the chemistry department. I'm stuck in the middle, two days before late fees go into effect, trying to figure out what classes I need to take. WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING?