The boy and I broke up. Well, he broke up with me, but by the time he did it, the feeling was mutual. Basically he said that now that he has more friends to go out drinking with he doesn't want to have to call me and make time to hang out. I'm pretty okay with it. It hurts a little when I think about how the one person I planned my social life around decided he'd rather not see me. I'm actually really jealous.
I'm jealous of his friends. The fact that he has people to hang out with now that I'm not in the picture. I'm jealous of his roommate. I'm jealous of his enormous amounts of spending money. I'm jealous of his apparent lack of, what's the word? There's a better word for what I'm thinking, but I don't know what it is. His lack of guilt? Okay, it's like guilt, but not quite. He refuses to look at the consequences of his actions and feel bad when he hurts other people or does something stupid. He only thinks of himself and does things to make himself feel good. He doesn't dwell, well, he doesn't even think about the past. He feels absolutely no remorse. It's like there's a part of him that's missing that the rest of us humans have. It's more than just selfishness and denial. I used to think that's all it was- incredibly deep denial, but there's more to it. I also used to think that he did feel regret, remorse, guilt, whatever but just didn't tell anybody. Now, I don't think he does.