Some people seem to think that I am overly concerned with my sister's sex life, or rather, the fact that she has one. I don't think I'm overly concerned. These people seem to think that it's absolutely none of my business and that I shouldn't judge her. I'll admit that it's none of my business, however, I'm not judging her. Besides, even if it isn't my business, she told me.
See, there were plenty of warning signs that my sister was going to cave in and have sex before she got married. I think she even admitted to thinking about it. She was on the pill, she kept encouraging me to go further with my boyfriend (she even said it wouldn't be a big deal if I had sex, since I am already 24), she'd done "everything but," they were saying "I love you."
So then I had to process and deal with the information. She asked if I was mad. She asked if I was sad. I told her I was disappointed. I think my instant reaction was anger, shock, even annoyance. She said that she was sad. That info sucked. I asked why. She said because they'd had a discussion about it, how she'd decided that it would eventually happen, and then it did; she didn't expect it to be so soon.
After I got over my initial shock. I felt- alone. Very lonely. It's hard enough staying a virgin when none of your friends are, it's even harder when you have no one to share that socital burden. I mean, before it was my sister and I, virgins til marriage, we were our own support group, the V club. Now I'm left holding the V card by myself.
My boy says he's sure there's other virgins out there. I said, "Sure, some faceless 14 year old that I don't know." "True," he said.
Fortunately, I got this information this week and not last week, and it's a darn good thing I didn't get it the week before that, or else I might not be having this thought train. Because I was weak, I was caving.
I want to have sex with my boyfriend. I've come close, but I haven't done it yet. Hopefully, I won't ever. But last week I almost, almost decided to do it. I wanted to so badly. If I had known for sure (like I said, I had my doubts) that my sister was sleeping with her boyfriend, I don't know, but that might have been enough to put me over the edge.
See, I'm having a problem with the fact that I want to have sex with my boy, and yet, am not allowing myself. It's like I'm unnecessarily punishing myself. My crushing blow came with the realization that even though I am technically still a virgin, I am not sexually pure. So, even with the technicality, I have already "spoiled" my wedding bed. So what's the point of hanging onto the label?
But I think I need that label. It's important to me. I think if I was sure that this boy was the one for me, the one I would spend the rest of my life with, then I would be sleeping with him. I don't think I'm going to make it to my wedding night. I'll probably end up only having sex with one man, but I don't think I'll be strictly entitled to wear white at my wedding.
And honestly, it's, in part, because I'm tired of waiting. Yes, it was important in high school, even somewhat in college, but now. I think I figured I'd be close to marrying somebody by now. And I'm not. I'm not even looking for marriage yet.
Oh, it was so much easier to stay a virgin when I didn't have a boyfriend. When there wasn't this beautiful boy standing there wanting me.