Paul of Tarsus wrote a letter to a gathering of people who believed that Christ was the risen Messiah. At one point in the letter he wrote, "For God can use sorrow in our lives to us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow without repentance is the kind that results in death." Of course, that's paraphrased because the original letter was not written in English.
Lately I've been thinking about going to church. I think I want to. Go, that is. Only, I hesitate because I'm afraid of feeling like more of a hypocrite than I already am. I don't want to use God to fill the times when I'm not busy living my life for my own pleasure.
I thought about God these past two years. Sometimes. Not very often, I'll admit. When I did think about Him I'd throw up a little praise. Praise him for his faithfulness, praise him for his love. I'd feel a little bad about not going to church or leading a Christ-centered life, but then I'd get over it. I'd call my boyfriend, or if I was already with the boy, I'd roll over and cuddle. But now that I don't have that human companionship or distraction, I spend more time thinking about God.
I've been reading a lot of Christian novels lately- my guilty pleasure, Christian romance novels. My favorites were written back in the 1930s and 40s, not only did they take place during that time period, that's actually when they were originally copywrited. These stories are so sweet, and in one of them, the main characters went to church all their lives and they knew about God intellectually. They had read their Bibles and attended Sunday school, they had lived their lives a moral human beings, but they didn't really know God. They knew about him, but they didn't know him. In the end, of course, they become committed and happy Christians. Because of the war.
Sometimes I feel like that- like I know all about God, I know where the Bible says how to become a Christian, I've read all about sin and death- I know the drill, but I feel as though I've never met God. It's weird. I know He loves me, I believe that Jesus Christ is the only son of God and that he was sent to die for my sins- to be a substitute and provide a way for me to have a relationship with God. I know all about His grace and mercy and love. But I feel as though there's still a veil. And I don't know why. Why have I never been able to move from the baby Christian stage? Why is it so easy for me to not go to church? How is it that I don't care about reading the Bible? Why don't I want to do and find and read and be more about Christ?
I was sad when I broke up with my boyfriend, and I cried to God to comfort me. But what right did I have to do that? Why should I call out to God only in my time of need? Why didn't I spend time praying while I was happy in my relationship? I don't want to make Christ a crutch to lean on in the hard times. I want to figure out a way to live with him all the time. But I was sad and I cried out to God and then I wanted to go to church. I wanted to sing songs to Him and thank Him for His goodness. But I am timid and afraid. I'm afraid that when my life becomes more full I'll abandon God again, and I don't want to do that. I don't want it to be so easy.
But I can't figure out how...